The Pastor's Ass

The Pastor's Ass
The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the raceagain, and it won again.

The local paper read : PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT. The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered thepastor not to enter the donkey in another race.

The next day, the local paper headline read : BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid ofthe donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The localpaper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day : NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid ofthe donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10. The next day the paperread : NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10. This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back thedonkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.

The next day theheadlines read : NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE. The bishop was buried the next day.

The moral of the story is . . . being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery, even shorten your life. So be yourself and enjoy life. Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and you'll be a lot happier and live longer ! Have a great day!

CUTE..........

One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me.


I was maybe 2 1/2 years old and had just recovered from an accident.


Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite toys.


Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought Daddy a little cup of "tea", which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home.


My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was "just the cutest thing!" My Mom waited, and sure enough, I walked down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watched him drink it up.


Then she says, (as only a mother would know... :) "Did it ever occur to you that the only place that your daughter can reach to get water is the toilet?"

TRUE

Son asked his mother:

"Mom, why are wedding dresses white?"

The mother looks at her son and replies,

"Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure."

The son thanks his Mom and goes off to double-check this with his father.

"Dad why are wedding dresses white?"

The father looks at his son in surprise and says,

"Son, all household appliances come in white

NEVER LEAVE HOPE

AT!

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is equal to

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26

Hard Work
H+A+R+D+W+O+R+K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%


Knowledge
K+N+O+W+L+E+D+G+E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%


Love
L+O+V+E
12+15+22+5 = 54%


Luck
L+U+C+K
12+21+3+11 = 47%

( don't most of us think this is the most important ??? )
Then what makes 100% ?Is it


Money ? ...
NO ! ! !
M+O+N+E+Y
13+15+14+5+25 = 72%


Leadership ? ...
NO ! ! !
L+E+A+D+E+R+S+H+I+P
12+5+1+4+5+18+19+9+16 = 89%
.
.
.
.
.
.
Every problem has a solution,
only if we perhaps change our attitude.
To go to the top,to that 100% ,what we really need to go further... a bit more...
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
ATTITUDE
A+T+T+I+T+U+D+E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

It is OUR ATTITUDE towards Life and Work that makes OUR Life 100% ! ! !

READ WELL

"Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?" "It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world everyday always just exactly fits the newspaper." "If it were not for Thomas Edison, we would all be watching television in the dark.""Computers will never take the place of books. You can't stand on a floppy disk to reach a high shelf.""An consultant is someone who takes a subject you understand and makes it sound confusing.""Love is so confusing - you tell a girl she looks great and what's the first thing you do?Turn out the lights!""I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier.""The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things." "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.""Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.""When your dreams turn to dust, it's time to vacuum.""Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back. " "It's better to have loved and lost than to do forty pounds of laundry a week.""Wealthy people miss one of life's greatest thrills. Making the last car payment.""They've finally come up with the perfect office computer.If it makes a mistake,it blames another computer.""Since light travels faster than sound, people appear bright until you hear them speak.""The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.But not in that order""When I was born I was so surprised I didn't talk for a year and a half." "Money isn't everything but it sure keeps you in touch with your children.""Compatible Your money fits in the salesperson's wallet.""When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has the bus come yet?".If the bus came would I be standing here?""Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use.""There are three sides to any argument: your side, my side and the right side." "Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I've done it thousands of times." "Doing nothing is very hard to do, you never know when you're finished. ""Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference.""Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted. ""We are born naked, wet, and hungry, and get slapped on our butt then things get worse." "It's always darkest before dawn So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it. " "The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office" "I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.""The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot; The guy who invented the other three, he was the genius. ""If our constitution allows us free speech, why are there phone bills?""You know the speed of light, so what's the speed of dark? ""Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.""If you can't convince them, confuse them.""I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying." "If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.";

women

An absolutely Brilliant Joke, ENJOYYYYYYYYYY!!!


A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.
She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant
you three wishes."
The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to
mention that there was a condition to your wishes.
Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!" The woman said,
"That's okay."

For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the
world.
The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your
husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will
flock to".
The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful
Woman and he will have eyes only for me."
So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful Woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the
world. And he will be ten times richer than you. "
The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his
is mine."
So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like
a mild heart attack."

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.

Attention female readers:
This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling
good.

Male readers: Please scroll down.


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The man had a heart attack ten times "milder" than his wife!!!

Moral of the story: Women are really dumb but think they're really
smart.

Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show

PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show
that women never listen!!!

Forward this to all the guys for a good laugh, and to all the ladies who
have a go

A Girl is giving directions to her new boyfriend to get to her apartment.

She says: "You come to the front door of the apartment complex where I live and look for apartment 14A, and with your elbow push button 14A.

Come inside and you'll find the elevator on the right. With your elbow hit 14.

When you get out of the elevator you'll find my apartment on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell and I'll open the door for you"

The boyfriend says: "Dear, that sounds very easy to find, but why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?"

"Oh my God! You're not coming empty-handed, are you?"

 

"God gave us two ends. One to sit on and one to think with. Success depends on which one you use; head you win -- tails, you lose."
-- Anonymous